Why do we give our hearts to someone? Do they steal it? Do we surrender it? Have we pursued them in order to better ignore them to pose a convoluted challenge? Do we select someone because we know we can control or manipulate them? Do we love the “bad boy” who must be tamed? Do we find the whole hassle of mating so overwhelming that we give our heart to the first one who would claim it?
Studies of interpersonal attraction list the following factors in relationship formation:
1. We like people who are similar to us.
2. We like people who are different from us, if we see complementary advantages.
3. We are drawn to people who like us.
4. We are attracted to people who can help us.
5. We like competent people-particularly when they are “flawed”.
6. We are attracted to people who disclose themselves to us.
7. We feel strongly about people we encounter often.
You may be shocked to learn that the last factor listed may be the most important one in whom we love. If we are not in proximity to a person through a neighborhood, class, organization, church service, mutual friends, etc. we will never know that person in order to feel love for him. It appears sad, but true, that our romantic choices are shaped by simple opportunity to interact.
In my opinion, given all the factors above, the most important factor in whom we love is not the other person, but our attitudes about ourselves. Our self-concept shapes our response to offers of love. In fact, so much so that the following sentences from Aaron Blieberg and Harry Leubling illustrate the most important factor in our choice to love.
“I am not who I think I am.
I am not who you think I am.
I am who I think you think I am.”
In other words, if a man makes us feel important, valued, respected, lovable, cherished, adored, etc. we like who we are when we are with that man. When we are with a man who does not make us feel that way, we don’t like him and we don’t like ourselves much. We may fear losing him or we may stop achieving in order to “hold” him. The man who loves you wants the best for you, even if it means you earn more money or have more status. Your loving him is what he wants so that he may have the joy of loving you.
The answer to the question of why we love is this. We don’t love someone because of how we feel about him. Rather, we love him because of how he makes us feel about ourselves.